Well I don't know how long its been since I posted the last blog post, but so many things have changed. Everything is pretty ugly now, we have managed to mess up two relationships, bring insecurity into everyone's hearts, right along with a burning, terrible, hurt.
Nothing is fair in love and war.
WAR.
That is what its been like lately, everyone playing with everyone's emotions, everyone trying to pull back from the situation and in doing so are only causing more hurt. How can you go to telling someone you love them one day, calling them sweetie, kissing and touching all the time, then the next day just be like oh I think we need to be just "friends" for awhile.
WHATEVER!
You want to be my friend?? Then don't treat me differently, don't act like I am not important to you, and when I return the favor by ignoring you right back, don't go even further the other way. I pulled back because I am hurt like hell, I don't know how to deal with all these feelings I have for someone else who I should not have, espesically when this person isnt a talker! I am a TALKER. I NEED to talk things out, need to understand peoples motivies for thier behavior.
Meanwhile, my girlfriend is just waiting the situation out, hoping she will get to be with her again. They are still talking like nothing is wrong between them. I feel VERY left out. But that is how I always feel with them.
Meanwhile, I am lonely and confused and I dont know if things will EVER be the same with my girlfiend again! I am trying to deal with all the other cans of worms dumped in my lap since this all began.
Am I sorry? Hell no. I wouldnt trade the experinece for the world, and I think I have been made to grow up a lot and have learned so much.
Do I wish this were different? Yes.
Do I hope things go back to the way they were before? Yes.
Do I hope they don't? Maybe.
I don't even know what to think or feel anymore.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Its been a long week....
I keep thinking I am going to update this blog with the history of how we got to this point, but I don't think I ever will! I am always so much in the moment that it is really hard for me to look back, which is why I want to document things here.
So basically, we have a relationship with another couple, a beautiful, sexy, sweet, crazy, freaky, intense and totally fun couple! It started out with just casual crazy drunken sex. Now it has become something else completely. I am not sure how I feel about this, I just have so many feelings all the time, and I know its the same way for the girls too.
For the longest time I was just with "L" and my partner who we will call "D" was just having sex with "P". Its just the way things happened from the start, I think everyone felt a little weird about that, but basically did not know how to change the whole dynamic of us as a group. There have been some serious bumps in the road, everyone one of us having had our jealous freak out (or two!) at one point in time.
Saturday night lets just say things went very different from "normal". It was really fucking weird!!! I also liked it, a lot. I just blows my mind that there are so many different styles of kissing, touching, passion, and love. We have spent this week trying to figure out what everyone has been feeling or is feeling, where our true place is in all of this. We played games, we laughed, we just hung out together ALL WEEK LONG, with no sex and a "friend" vibe in the air LOL!
I thought last night was going to be a continuation of the above, even though I had sent some pretty provocative texts to L earlier telling her just how much I wanted to fuck her! Then L and I have to go to the bathroom and we come back to a conversation going on about a "stoplight" and how some people are on red, some on yellow and some on green, and how hard it is to figure out where everyone is at the same time! I got a bit weird, shy even! I just sat there blushing (which I never do anymore!!!) and looking stupid even though I knew I wanted to go upstairs just as much as the rest of them.
Then D just pretty much makes an announcement to us all that she either wants to have sex or go to bed, which brings on more shyness from me, but of course I can't say no! Up the stairs we go, like a line of ants on a mission! Someone mentions candles, and D goes to grab some and joins the rest of us all upstairs. We are all just standing around the bed, looking at each other, my face is so red, I feel so silly and nervous.
I have no rationale for the way I am feeling, its not like I haven't had sex with "L" a ton of times before! I open our bedroom window really wide, sticking my head out to take a deep breath and then just try to hide there for a moment while they are all teasing me about being so shy! The candles are lit, lights off, but I just keep standing there by the window! Somehow the candle gets blown out, P grabs D and L throws me down on the bed! I think my shyness lasted about 5 seconds after that moment, but it was so fucking HOT! Clothes, being ripped off, hard kisses with little nibbles built in. Everything about it is delicious, addicting and just leaves you wanting MORE.
This night was very different for me because I was sober, and it had been a conscious decision between all of us to go upstairs all together and have sex. That has never happened before, its usually one couple disappears and we may not even end up in the same room! I had spent all week missing L, wondering if she still liked me the way she had before after being with D. Its a silly thought because while I totally enjoyed being with P, it did not change my crazy desire to be with L, my crazy desire to be near her all the time, hear her voice, have her reach over and pinch my arm in her adorable affectionate way. Wow, that was all really mushy. MUSHINESS is not allowed! LOL
L and P are my best friends but also my lovers, I love them both so much, just in different ways. D is my partner, my soulmate, and my reality. I love her in the way where hearts touch forever, even if we are apart, I always feel her with me.
So basically, we have a relationship with another couple, a beautiful, sexy, sweet, crazy, freaky, intense and totally fun couple! It started out with just casual crazy drunken sex. Now it has become something else completely. I am not sure how I feel about this, I just have so many feelings all the time, and I know its the same way for the girls too.
For the longest time I was just with "L" and my partner who we will call "D" was just having sex with "P". Its just the way things happened from the start, I think everyone felt a little weird about that, but basically did not know how to change the whole dynamic of us as a group. There have been some serious bumps in the road, everyone one of us having had our jealous freak out (or two!) at one point in time.
Saturday night lets just say things went very different from "normal". It was really fucking weird!!! I also liked it, a lot. I just blows my mind that there are so many different styles of kissing, touching, passion, and love. We have spent this week trying to figure out what everyone has been feeling or is feeling, where our true place is in all of this. We played games, we laughed, we just hung out together ALL WEEK LONG, with no sex and a "friend" vibe in the air LOL!
I thought last night was going to be a continuation of the above, even though I had sent some pretty provocative texts to L earlier telling her just how much I wanted to fuck her! Then L and I have to go to the bathroom and we come back to a conversation going on about a "stoplight" and how some people are on red, some on yellow and some on green, and how hard it is to figure out where everyone is at the same time! I got a bit weird, shy even! I just sat there blushing (which I never do anymore!!!) and looking stupid even though I knew I wanted to go upstairs just as much as the rest of them.
Then D just pretty much makes an announcement to us all that she either wants to have sex or go to bed, which brings on more shyness from me, but of course I can't say no! Up the stairs we go, like a line of ants on a mission! Someone mentions candles, and D goes to grab some and joins the rest of us all upstairs. We are all just standing around the bed, looking at each other, my face is so red, I feel so silly and nervous.
I have no rationale for the way I am feeling, its not like I haven't had sex with "L" a ton of times before! I open our bedroom window really wide, sticking my head out to take a deep breath and then just try to hide there for a moment while they are all teasing me about being so shy! The candles are lit, lights off, but I just keep standing there by the window! Somehow the candle gets blown out, P grabs D and L throws me down on the bed! I think my shyness lasted about 5 seconds after that moment, but it was so fucking HOT! Clothes, being ripped off, hard kisses with little nibbles built in. Everything about it is delicious, addicting and just leaves you wanting MORE.
This night was very different for me because I was sober, and it had been a conscious decision between all of us to go upstairs all together and have sex. That has never happened before, its usually one couple disappears and we may not even end up in the same room! I had spent all week missing L, wondering if she still liked me the way she had before after being with D. Its a silly thought because while I totally enjoyed being with P, it did not change my crazy desire to be with L, my crazy desire to be near her all the time, hear her voice, have her reach over and pinch my arm in her adorable affectionate way. Wow, that was all really mushy. MUSHINESS is not allowed! LOL
L and P are my best friends but also my lovers, I love them both so much, just in different ways. D is my partner, my soulmate, and my reality. I love her in the way where hearts touch forever, even if we are apart, I always feel her with me.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Another Micheal Moment
I'm sure you are wondering how this all started? Well rewind to Pridefest and the after drag show party at our favorite hang out. D asked me to get her some popcorn, there was a table full of people right next to the popcorn machine...I walk over concentrating on my mission and I hear them talking about Micheal Jackson and of course, I have to comment as well. This leads to introductions and exchanges of facebook addresses. I am immediately enamored with two other lesbians who just happen to be pretty and girly just like J and I! So, I thank Micheal very much for a moment of Serendipity! More to come soon!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Insanity:
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I can totally agree with Albert Einstein on this one! It makes so much sense its almost scary. What it doesn't say is how to stop doing the doing the same thing over and over again when its so much fucking fun! Even if you know its going to cause pain later, the pleasure is so much MORE than the pain.
Life to me is all about learning about new things, expanding your horizons, and loving people unconditionally.
This blog is about me, my beautiful partner and our rainbow love.
I can totally agree with Albert Einstein on this one! It makes so much sense its almost scary. What it doesn't say is how to stop doing the doing the same thing over and over again when its so much fucking fun! Even if you know its going to cause pain later, the pleasure is so much MORE than the pain.
Life to me is all about learning about new things, expanding your horizons, and loving people unconditionally.
Publish Post
This blog is about me, my beautiful partner and our rainbow love.
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